Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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