remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
