What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
