oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
