First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
