i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
