I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
