The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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