You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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