Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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