Soap is not a condiment
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
