I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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