I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's no shave November. This is our time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
