I'm gonna have a badass scar
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
