Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
