The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize