Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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