6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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