and she was petting her beer can
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
