i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
