youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
