1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
