You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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