i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Randomize
