Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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