Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
