He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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