You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
