I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
