I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
