You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
