yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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