this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize