i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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