Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
