I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
