you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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