how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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