in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
