so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
