Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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