I smell stomach acid.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
