I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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