when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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