update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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