why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
