why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
