Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
