I never want to see another naked old woman again.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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