you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
