Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
