I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
