I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Randomize
