420 ftw
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
