She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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