so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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